ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
