Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
