What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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