I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
