No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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