just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
