I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The uberlube is also flammable
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
