there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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