I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
