Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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