I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
