i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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