Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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