awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
