Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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