No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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