I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
