no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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