I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize