I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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