made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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