Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
