My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
