At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
