i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
