I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
