I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
