i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize