A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My life is pants optional.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
