I puked a lego.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
