drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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