shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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