this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
