I want to walk on stilts...naked
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
