Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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