I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
