I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You have to summon your inner elephant
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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