i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
