i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
