you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
thus making me awesome and them whores
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
