After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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