dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
