you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
