You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
