i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
