i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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