I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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