How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
