I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
