I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
