oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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