The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
