apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
